Parenting Mistakes as Opportunities for Repair

I’ve been thinking about apologies lately, particularly in relation to parenting (although knowing how to apologize is a valuable skill in any kind of relationship). Many of us have known someone who apologizes so frequently that it feels meaningless. Most of us know what it’s like to feel hurt and have the person who hurt us never apologize or validate our experience. 

When it comes to parenting, cultural messages can be confusing, and parents wonder if it’s okay to acknowledge their mistakes—“what happens if my child knows I messed up? Will they still respect me?” Apologizing can be hard, and scary, but I encourage you to do it anyways!

Here’s why: In any relationship, there will be ruptures—times when you forget something, misunderstand, react instead of listening or responding, say something that hurts the other person’s feelings, etc. These are inevitable; we try to avoid them, but they happen. What we do afterwards is so important and can cause further harm to the relationship or create an opportunity for repair, healing, and greater understanding. 

Positive Discipline breaks the process of recovering from mistakes into the following steps, also known as the Four Rs of Recovery:

1. Recognize that you made a mistake: Share your part of the mistake with your child. (Avoid blame or guilt and focus on what you can learn from it.)

2. Responsibility: Be specific in taking responsibility for your part: "I yelled at you instead of telling you my feelings."

3. Reconcile: Apologize. Children are so forgiving when you let them know you are sorry.

4. Resolve by focusing on solutions: Brainstorm for an agreement that will be respectful to fix the problem or prevent it in the future such as: “I would appreciate your help finding a solution to this problem.”

So, let’s use the example of yelling at your child (most of us have been there). Instead of casting blame “If you would just listen to me I wouldn’t have to yell!” or ignoring the incident completely, let’s say you calm down and then go to your child and say “hey, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was feeling angry and I should have taken a deep breath or told you how I felt. Instead, I lost my temper. I’m sorry I yelled. Do you have any ideas about what we could do next time to avoid that situation? I could use your help thinking about it.” What would that feel like? Did anyone ever do that for you when you were young?

While it’s not your child’s responsibility to keep you from getting mad or manage your emotions, when the situation involves them (e.g. you asked them to clean their room five times and they kept playing video games), it can be helpful to engage in joint problem solving so that you can both handle the situation in a more respectful way the next time. Maybe you agree that chores will be completed before video games, or you’ll ask in a way that’s easier for them to hear. Maybe part of the plan involves taking a break when you start feeling overwhelmed. Your child may surprise you with their ideas!

In my opinion, skipping this process is a missed opportunity to teach valuable life skills and instill character traits such as empathy and responsibility. When you engage in the process you are teaching your child: 

• That people make mistakes and it’s okay—own them and try to do better next time

• That they are important enough for you to take the time to apologize

• That their feelings matter

• That their opinions and ideas matter

• Problem solving skills

• How to maintain a healthy relationship and resolve conflict

• What respect feels like and looks like

• How to express feelings and needs in a healthy way…and so much more.

While you likely won’t get it right every time, each time you try you are deepening your connection with your child, communicating love and respect, and teaching them how to be caring and responsible humans.

Family Meetings are Great for Couples Too!

While I’ve heard the term “family meeting” all my life, it was often in relation to someone being in trouble or there being a problem that parents had deemed out of hand and the meeting was called so that parents could voice their concerns and set expectations, or even scold. Such family meetings don’t sound fun at all. When I was trained in positive discipline, family meetings took on a whole new meaning. Instead of an experience reserved for the most pressing of problems, they became a way to connect, bond, give voice to all family members, teach problem solving skills, and have fun. Still, for over a year I thought, “we’ll start family meetings when our son is old enough to participate...they’re called family meetings after all.” But then, between figuring out how to parent a toddler and with little free time to connect as a couple or problem solve, I decided that it was time to implement regular family meetings. My husband and I picked a weeknight after our son goes to bed when we can talk without distraction, and we roughly follow the “9 Steps for Effective Family Meetings”. Here are some of the things that I found most helpful.

Building a culture of appreciation

Family meetings are a great way to build a culture of appreciation in your relationship. When life gets hectic and tensions are high, it is often easy to notice what your partner is doing “wrong” or those personality traits that get under your skin. However, when we focus on those we can get caught in a loop of frustration, criticism, and defensiveness. That’s why it’s important to begin each meeting by sharing the things we appreciate in our partner. Giving and receiving appreciation helps us relax and move from a place of vigilance to a place of openness. You can work appreciations into your daily rituals as well, maybe right before bed or during dinner each night. 

Consistent, dedicated time for relationship and parenting concerns

Every relationship (parenting, romantic, etc.) has its challenges. Sometimes these challenges are predictable and other times they seem to pop up out of nowhere. Family meetings provide an opportunity to really listen and respond to each other’s concerns. This dedicated time has been great for our relationship too. Instead of feeling like our only options are to address a concern in the moment or just let it go, we know we have a time when we are committed to listening to each other. Knowing that we will have an opportunity to be heard allows us to pause when needed without feeling dismissed. If one of us is busy when the other wants to talk, we can ask that the conversation be tabled until our meeting.

Planning something fun

The last part of any family meeting should be to plan a fun activity for the week. For a couple, this could be a date night (or during COVID times a treat and a movie, a backyard fire, or a weekend walk). Again, this is all about connection. I encourage you to plan something as a couple, but you can also think of something to do with your whole family. 

While I look forward to the day when our son can participate in family meetings, I hope that my husband and I continue to have our own. We have always talked things through, but there’s something comforting about knowing we have that specific time. I’m also glad that we’re practicing now so that when our son does join us we’ll be better able to model connection, communication, and problem solving skills.

Quality Time During Quarantine

What is quality time?

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is: “time spent giving all of one's attention to someone who is close”

You may be thinking “um…but aren’t I spending all my time with people who are close right now?” Yes, but I want to encourage you to think about what that time looks like and how quality time might be different. As I write this, I’m wondering if spending quality time with the people we are in contact with may be even more important right now.

With many of us working from home, there is sometimes little distinction between work time and play time. Anyone else answering work emails while playing with their kid? In my experience, these moments are sometimes necessary but are often frustrating for everyone involved. Or maybe you aren’t writing emails, but your mind is thinking about what you’ll say in your 2:00 meeting. Again, you may need to be with your child and plan for your meeting at the same time, I get that (I really do!) However, it’s important that there are times when your child, your partner, and, even yourself get your undivided attention. While my toddler lets me know in no uncertain terms when I’m not paying enough attention to him, an older child or partner may be more subtle. Here are a few things to look out for and ideas for connecting.

With your Kids

Signs you child could benefit from some quality time with you:

• They appear easily frustrated when you need to complete a task

• They seem to need your help with everything, including tasks you know they can do themselves

• They repeatedly do things that require you to stop what you are doing and attend to them, even if it’s to tell them to stop

• You are feeling annoyed, irritated, worried or guilty 

Tips for quality time with kids

• Turn off your phone and play with your kids…it doesn’t matter if they’re 2 and want to build towers and knock them down or 15 and want to play video games or do a craft project. 

• Let your child choose an activity they want to share with you or brainstorm a list of activities together and take turns picking something off the list.

• Be curious—ask open-ended questions like “what do you like most about this song?” “How do you feel about that?” “What are you most looking forward to?”

• For young children, plan for at least 10 minutes a day. For older children, try a minimum of 30 minutes once a week of focused “special time.” Teens may appreciate less frequent but longer stretches of time.

• Check out this post for some fun activities to do with kids during quarantine.

With your Partner

Signs your relationship could use some attention:

• You’re bickering often over small stuff

• You or your partner feels disconnected

• You’re having frequent miscommunications

• It’s been a while since you had a date night or spent one-on-one time together without distractions

Tips for quality time with your partner

• If possible, find a time when you won’t be interrupted by kids or work (and turn your phone off!)

• Schedule a date night. You may not be able to go to your favorite restaurant, but you can order take-out and watch a movie, go for a walk, play a game, or have a picnic in your backyard. 

• Set aside 10 minutes before bed each night to check in about your day or cuddle.

• Accomplish something together. This could be a house project, a puzzle, a new fitness routine, or whatever suites your interests.

• Download one of these apps or read this blog post to learn more about each other and get ideas for strengthening your relationship.

With your Self

Signs you could use some attention:

• You’re easily frustrated or feel irritable and on edge

• You notice you’re holding tension in your body 

• You feel drained (physically, emotionally, mentally)

• You feel anxious, worried, sad

Tips for quality time with yourself:

• Find a space that feels good to you. If you don’t have one, try to create a cozy, calming atmosphere by lighting a candle, wrapping up in a blanket, or designating a corner of your room as your calming area. You can add cushions, a comfy chair, favorite pictures or an essential oil diffuser.

• If you live with other people, tell them you need some to yourself and to not disturb you unless it’s an emergency (of course, if you’re alone with young children you may need to time this for their nap time or after they’re in bed).

• Take a walk and just notice how your body feels, the thoughts you’re having, feelings that come up. Try to notice these things without judgement. Check out this post for some mindfulness tips and tricks.

• Journal, paint, or do something else creative.

• Read a book, listen to music, or watch a show that makes you feel good.

• Avoid doing chores, answering emails, or working during this time!

It doesn’t so much matter what you do, but that you set aside time to be truly present, whether it’s with yourself, your children, your partner, or anyone else. Just enjoying each other can help deepen your connection and bring a greater sense of peace and belonging during this unpredictable time.

““Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.””

— Brene Brown