Parenting Mistakes as Opportunities for Repair

I’ve been thinking about apologies lately, particularly in relation to parenting (although knowing how to apologize is a valuable skill in any kind of relationship). Many of us have known someone who apologizes so frequently that it feels meaningless. Most of us know what it’s like to feel hurt and have the person who hurt us never apologize or validate our experience. 

When it comes to parenting, cultural messages can be confusing, and parents wonder if it’s okay to acknowledge their mistakes—“what happens if my child knows I messed up? Will they still respect me?” Apologizing can be hard, and scary, but I encourage you to do it anyways!

Here’s why: In any relationship, there will be ruptures—times when you forget something, misunderstand, react instead of listening or responding, say something that hurts the other person’s feelings, etc. These are inevitable; we try to avoid them, but they happen. What we do afterwards is so important and can cause further harm to the relationship or create an opportunity for repair, healing, and greater understanding. 

Positive Discipline breaks the process of recovering from mistakes into the following steps, also known as the Four Rs of Recovery:

1. Recognize that you made a mistake: Share your part of the mistake with your child. (Avoid blame or guilt and focus on what you can learn from it.)

2. Responsibility: Be specific in taking responsibility for your part: "I yelled at you instead of telling you my feelings."

3. Reconcile: Apologize. Children are so forgiving when you let them know you are sorry.

4. Resolve by focusing on solutions: Brainstorm for an agreement that will be respectful to fix the problem or prevent it in the future such as: “I would appreciate your help finding a solution to this problem.”

So, let’s use the example of yelling at your child (most of us have been there). Instead of casting blame “If you would just listen to me I wouldn’t have to yell!” or ignoring the incident completely, let’s say you calm down and then go to your child and say “hey, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was feeling angry and I should have taken a deep breath or told you how I felt. Instead, I lost my temper. I’m sorry I yelled. Do you have any ideas about what we could do next time to avoid that situation? I could use your help thinking about it.” What would that feel like? Did anyone ever do that for you when you were young?

While it’s not your child’s responsibility to keep you from getting mad or manage your emotions, when the situation involves them (e.g. you asked them to clean their room five times and they kept playing video games), it can be helpful to engage in joint problem solving so that you can both handle the situation in a more respectful way the next time. Maybe you agree that chores will be completed before video games, or you’ll ask in a way that’s easier for them to hear. Maybe part of the plan involves taking a break when you start feeling overwhelmed. Your child may surprise you with their ideas!

In my opinion, skipping this process is a missed opportunity to teach valuable life skills and instill character traits such as empathy and responsibility. When you engage in the process you are teaching your child: 

• That people make mistakes and it’s okay—own them and try to do better next time

• That they are important enough for you to take the time to apologize

• That their feelings matter

• That their opinions and ideas matter

• Problem solving skills

• How to maintain a healthy relationship and resolve conflict

• What respect feels like and looks like

• How to express feelings and needs in a healthy way…and so much more.

While you likely won’t get it right every time, each time you try you are deepening your connection with your child, communicating love and respect, and teaching them how to be caring and responsible humans.

It’s been a year....

A year ago we were hearing about COVID, wondering what it was and what it meant for us. Even as we moved into shut-down, I know I continued to think that someone would figure this out and life would go on as normal. Then, the shutdown came... “for two weeks to flatten the curve…” As we all know now, that was just the beginning. The beginning of a year of collective trauma, a year of isolation, a year of uncertainty, and for many a year of heartbreak and loss. I have been thinking a lot about loss and grief and the many forms it has taken these last 12 months. 

The losses experienced have been different for everyone, but I would argue that everyone has experienced some form of loss. Examples include loss of events and milestones, loss of stability (including financial), loss of purpose, loss of businesses, careers, or school, loss of connections, loss of autonomy. Some of these losses are temporary--we will eventually be able to socialize with people we haven’t been able to see in person or do the activities we used to enjoy but now feel unsafe. Some losses, however, are permanent. A teen who completed their senior year online probably won’t be re-doing that year to have the experience of being in-person. Someone who lost their business may not have the means to re-launch it. And of course, too many people have lost loved ones to this virus. 

No matter what the loss, the grief is real, and as we near the anniversary of the first shut-downs here in Austin, that grief may intensify for some. With grief, it can be helpful to remember the following:

• Grief comes in waves. It’s not a fixed or linear process of diminishing, but instead can feel lighter at times and then crushing again.

• There’s no right or wrong way to grieve--everyone’s experience is different and whatever you are feeling is okay!

• It doesn’t help to compare losses. What you feel is what you feel regardless of whether your loss seems “bigger” or “smaller” than someone else’s. Your experience is unique to you.

• Stay connected. While your experience is unique, it can help to know that you aren’t alone and that others may have similar experiences.

• You may feel tired, achy, have difficulty concentrating or remembering things (although you should see a doctor if you think you may have a physical ailment).

• Practice self-compassion: Think about what you would say to a friend who was struggling with similar feelings, and treat yourself in the same way.

• Here are some self-care ideas. It can take some time to find what works for you, so I encourage you not to give up if the first few things you try aren’t helping.

While I don’t know what the long-term impacts of the last year will be, I know that it will take time to process our experiences and feelings. Whatever the losses you or your loved ones have experienced, I think that acknowledging them is a good place to start. It’s been a tough year. It really has. And, us humans are resilient. We will find ways to move forward and even thrive.

Family Meetings are Great for Couples Too!

While I’ve heard the term “family meeting” all my life, it was often in relation to someone being in trouble or there being a problem that parents had deemed out of hand and the meeting was called so that parents could voice their concerns and set expectations, or even scold. Such family meetings don’t sound fun at all. When I was trained in positive discipline, family meetings took on a whole new meaning. Instead of an experience reserved for the most pressing of problems, they became a way to connect, bond, give voice to all family members, teach problem solving skills, and have fun. Still, for over a year I thought, “we’ll start family meetings when our son is old enough to participate...they’re called family meetings after all.” But then, between figuring out how to parent a toddler and with little free time to connect as a couple or problem solve, I decided that it was time to implement regular family meetings. My husband and I picked a weeknight after our son goes to bed when we can talk without distraction, and we roughly follow the “9 Steps for Effective Family Meetings”. Here are some of the things that I found most helpful.

Building a culture of appreciation

Family meetings are a great way to build a culture of appreciation in your relationship. When life gets hectic and tensions are high, it is often easy to notice what your partner is doing “wrong” or those personality traits that get under your skin. However, when we focus on those we can get caught in a loop of frustration, criticism, and defensiveness. That’s why it’s important to begin each meeting by sharing the things we appreciate in our partner. Giving and receiving appreciation helps us relax and move from a place of vigilance to a place of openness. You can work appreciations into your daily rituals as well, maybe right before bed or during dinner each night. 

Consistent, dedicated time for relationship and parenting concerns

Every relationship (parenting, romantic, etc.) has its challenges. Sometimes these challenges are predictable and other times they seem to pop up out of nowhere. Family meetings provide an opportunity to really listen and respond to each other’s concerns. This dedicated time has been great for our relationship too. Instead of feeling like our only options are to address a concern in the moment or just let it go, we know we have a time when we are committed to listening to each other. Knowing that we will have an opportunity to be heard allows us to pause when needed without feeling dismissed. If one of us is busy when the other wants to talk, we can ask that the conversation be tabled until our meeting.

Planning something fun

The last part of any family meeting should be to plan a fun activity for the week. For a couple, this could be a date night (or during COVID times a treat and a movie, a backyard fire, or a weekend walk). Again, this is all about connection. I encourage you to plan something as a couple, but you can also think of something to do with your whole family. 

While I look forward to the day when our son can participate in family meetings, I hope that my husband and I continue to have our own. We have always talked things through, but there’s something comforting about knowing we have that specific time. I’m also glad that we’re practicing now so that when our son does join us we’ll be better able to model connection, communication, and problem solving skills.

Grief, Family, and the Holidays

Glittery cards, jolly commercials, and social media snapshots have us believing that the holidays are always magical, always happy, and never lonely. For most of us though, the holidays are a mix of joy and sadness, belonging and strained relationships (among many other things). When you are grieving, the holiday season can heighten your sense of loss. It can bring painful reminders as well as opportunities to reminisce, strengthen relationships, revive old traditions or create new ones. Here are some things to consider if your family is missing someone this year. 

Everyone is Different

Just as everyone in your family has their own personality and ways of dealing with stress, you might grieve differently. Grief often comes in waves, and may seem delayed for some people, especially children. It’s not something we get over or move on from, but we do move forward. We incorporate the loss into our life story, and may make meaning of that loss in different ways. We may feel the grief less often or less intensely, but it doesn’t go away completely. Children may grieve differently too, depending on where they are developmentally. They may also experience various aspects of the loss, or grieve again, as they reach new developmental stages. 

Navigating Traditions and Rituals

One thing the holiday season invites is tradition. When someone who was part of a yearly ritual or tradition dies, that inevitably changes our experience of it. Just as individuals and families grieve in different ways, family members may have varying ideas about what to do with those traditions. Questions about changing or skipping traditions may arise. While family members may disagree about how to move forward, it is important to let everyone express their feelings, thoughts, concerns, and hopes. Discuss which activities the family wants to keep, which to skip, and what could be added. Is there a way the family can honor the person who has died, knowing that things won’t ever be the same as they were? When possible, give children choices about whether or not to participate. 

Taking care of yourself

Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to be time consuming or expensive. Take 5 minutes to yourself to breathe, have a cup of tea, or simply be alone. Get coffee with a friend who gets you. Be gentle with yourself—the holidays are full of reminders, both of what you have and who you have lost—give yourself permission to grieve, to cry, to laugh, to enjoy those around you. Whatever you are feeling is okay! It’s also okay to set the boundaries you need, whether that’s by doing less, choosing who to spend your time with, or skipping an event altogether. Listen to your body—try to get the rest you need, stay hydrated, and move if you can. 

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

— Anne Lamott

Resources

If you are struggling and would like additional support, the following organizations in Austin, Texas offer groups and other grief and loss resources.

The Christi Center

Austin Center for Grief and Loss

Hospice Austin

What Being a Mom Taught me About Self-Care

I think I was in grad school when I first heard the term “self-care.” I remember professors stressing how important it was and then assigning 200 pages of reading and a paper. I would roll my eyes (internally, I think) and then power through the assignments and ignore the self-care. I saw it as a luxury, something that people who weren’t worried about working or going to school did. Now and then I’d paint, journal, or go for walks, but usually only when I didn’t have much going on and it happened naturally. When I was busy, I laughed it off and said I’d do that when I had free time. I could power through the busy times and then relax during the breaks. This worked more or less when I was childless, but when I became a mom I realized that naturally-occurring self-care time was never going to happen, and there was only so long that I could power through before my stress began to show.

It’s not a luxury!

When you have a tiny human depending on you for comfort and soothing, you start to realize how important your own stress level is. As my son became a toddler, this became even more clear—when I felt calm and regulated I could respond to normal (and challenging) toddler behavior with kindness, firmness, and patience, whereas when I was feeling higher levels of stress I was more likely to snap at my son or give into whatever he wanted. Neither of these were effective strategies and left me feeling guilty and ineffective.

I realized that there was no way for me to be the mom I wanted to be without prioritizing my own self-care. I still have days, weeks, and months where I forget to prioritize my self-care. Sometimes the thought of adding it to my agenda feels overwhelming. However, I now know that I have to come back to it, because if I don’t then my whole family will suffer.

You don’t need lots of time or money

Self-care doesn’t have to be time-consuming or expensive, and it can be helpful to have a few options for the different amounts of time available. For example, if you have 30 seconds you can take 3 deep breaths to calm your nervous system or light a candle with a soothing smell. If you have 1 minute, get a drink of water or step outside. If you have 5 minutes, make a cup of tea, play a quick game on your phone, or do a few yoga stretches. In 10 minutes, you could take a walk around the block, have a snack, or check in with a friend. Of course, having longer stretches of time gives you more options, but as a parent you know that’s not always realistic. 

Self-compassion is key

I also learned that self-compassion is an important part of self-care. There will be times when you are the parent you want to be, and that’s OK. Just like our kids have tough days, so do we.

“Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance. ”

— Tara Brach

We won’t always act our best, but if we can treat ourselves with kindness we can let go of some of the guilt, stop beating ourselves up, and instead focus our energy on showing up for our families. And, whenever you do mess up, there’s always the opportunity to repair and maybe even strengthen your relationship with your child. When you take responsibility for your mistakes and make a plan for doing better next time, you are teaching your child that yes, you make mistakes, but you care enough about your relationship to own up to it and try harder next time. 

Living through a pandemic is hard, and parents have so many demands on their time and energy! It may feel impossible to do it all and still take care of yourself, but I assure you that you deserve that care, now more than ever!

Quality Time During Quarantine

What is quality time?

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is: “time spent giving all of one's attention to someone who is close”

You may be thinking “um…but aren’t I spending all my time with people who are close right now?” Yes, but I want to encourage you to think about what that time looks like and how quality time might be different. As I write this, I’m wondering if spending quality time with the people we are in contact with may be even more important right now.

With many of us working from home, there is sometimes little distinction between work time and play time. Anyone else answering work emails while playing with their kid? In my experience, these moments are sometimes necessary but are often frustrating for everyone involved. Or maybe you aren’t writing emails, but your mind is thinking about what you’ll say in your 2:00 meeting. Again, you may need to be with your child and plan for your meeting at the same time, I get that (I really do!) However, it’s important that there are times when your child, your partner, and, even yourself get your undivided attention. While my toddler lets me know in no uncertain terms when I’m not paying enough attention to him, an older child or partner may be more subtle. Here are a few things to look out for and ideas for connecting.

With your Kids

Signs you child could benefit from some quality time with you:

• They appear easily frustrated when you need to complete a task

• They seem to need your help with everything, including tasks you know they can do themselves

• They repeatedly do things that require you to stop what you are doing and attend to them, even if it’s to tell them to stop

• You are feeling annoyed, irritated, worried or guilty 

Tips for quality time with kids

• Turn off your phone and play with your kids…it doesn’t matter if they’re 2 and want to build towers and knock them down or 15 and want to play video games or do a craft project. 

• Let your child choose an activity they want to share with you or brainstorm a list of activities together and take turns picking something off the list.

• Be curious—ask open-ended questions like “what do you like most about this song?” “How do you feel about that?” “What are you most looking forward to?”

• For young children, plan for at least 10 minutes a day. For older children, try a minimum of 30 minutes once a week of focused “special time.” Teens may appreciate less frequent but longer stretches of time.

• Check out this post for some fun activities to do with kids during quarantine.

With your Partner

Signs your relationship could use some attention:

• You’re bickering often over small stuff

• You or your partner feels disconnected

• You’re having frequent miscommunications

• It’s been a while since you had a date night or spent one-on-one time together without distractions

Tips for quality time with your partner

• If possible, find a time when you won’t be interrupted by kids or work (and turn your phone off!)

• Schedule a date night. You may not be able to go to your favorite restaurant, but you can order take-out and watch a movie, go for a walk, play a game, or have a picnic in your backyard. 

• Set aside 10 minutes before bed each night to check in about your day or cuddle.

• Accomplish something together. This could be a house project, a puzzle, a new fitness routine, or whatever suites your interests.

• Download one of these apps or read this blog post to learn more about each other and get ideas for strengthening your relationship.

With your Self

Signs you could use some attention:

• You’re easily frustrated or feel irritable and on edge

• You notice you’re holding tension in your body 

• You feel drained (physically, emotionally, mentally)

• You feel anxious, worried, sad

Tips for quality time with yourself:

• Find a space that feels good to you. If you don’t have one, try to create a cozy, calming atmosphere by lighting a candle, wrapping up in a blanket, or designating a corner of your room as your calming area. You can add cushions, a comfy chair, favorite pictures or an essential oil diffuser.

• If you live with other people, tell them you need some to yourself and to not disturb you unless it’s an emergency (of course, if you’re alone with young children you may need to time this for their nap time or after they’re in bed).

• Take a walk and just notice how your body feels, the thoughts you’re having, feelings that come up. Try to notice these things without judgement. Check out this post for some mindfulness tips and tricks.

• Journal, paint, or do something else creative.

• Read a book, listen to music, or watch a show that makes you feel good.

• Avoid doing chores, answering emails, or working during this time!

It doesn’t so much matter what you do, but that you set aside time to be truly present, whether it’s with yourself, your children, your partner, or anyone else. Just enjoying each other can help deepen your connection and bring a greater sense of peace and belonging during this unpredictable time.

““Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.””

— Brene Brown

Resilience: What is it and how can you cultivate it in your children and yourself?

Resilience: (n.) “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change” (Meriam-Webster Dictionary).

Being human means living with uncertainty, change, and hardships, and while we can’t protect our children, or ourselves, from these things, we can cultivate resilience. In a way, building resilience is like preemptive coping. It’s like going to the gym or eating healthily so your body is strong and your immune system is able to fight off the common cold or get you through surgery. Like anything, resiliency takes practice and repetition, ideally in times of lower stress.

Six ideas for encouraging resilience

“Collect joy”

According to the researcher, and author Brene Brown, “Joy, collected over time, fuels resilience – ensuring we'll have reservoirs of emotional strength when hard things do happen.” Savor the positive moments, as these happy memories or emotional reserves will help you get through the hard times.  

Encourage Expression

“Resilience is very different than being numb. Resilience means you experience, you feel, you fail, you hurt. You fall. But, you keep going,” —Yasmin Mogahed

I tell clients on a daily basis that all feelings are OK! Allow yourself and your children to feel. Dance with joy, scribble in anger, cry along with a sad song…whatever helps you release. With children, identifying and reflecting back the feelings they may be having can help them build an awareness of their emotional states. “I can see that you’re feeling sad because it’s time to leave your friend’s house and you were having so much fun…”

Teach problem solving skills 

Instead of solving problems for your kids, help them come up with solutions. Have a brain-storm session where any and all ideas are welcome (even super silly or unrealistic ones). Let your child try the solution they decide on and follow up with how it went. If necessary, help them choose another option to try. Family meetings are a great way to do this on a weekly basis.

Have compassion

Have you ever lost your temper and yelled at your child or your partner? Or burned dinner? Most of us have! And we can learn a lot from our mistakes. After all, mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn!  Instead of beating yourself up, think of two things: what you can do differently next time, and all the times you didn’t burn dinner or you breathed through a challenging interaction. Children can be incredibly forgiving, so if you apologize, let them know how you were feeling, and identify what you plan on doing differently next time, you’ll not only be strengthening your connection with them, but showing them that we all make mistakes and that’s OK!

Cultivate supportive relationships and ask for help when needed

This can look many different ways: joining a community group such as a church or service organization, engaging in hobbies with others, connecting with your child’s school or focusing on building stronger connections in your family. Ask for help when you need it (note: everyone needs it at some point)! While it may feel uncomfortable, I believe that asking for help is a skill that should be taught and applauded.

Show faith

Showing faith means giving your child the tools to deal with difficult situations instead of solving them for your child. Children learn from the reactions of the adults around them, and when adults consistently do things for a child that they could do themselves, the child may internalize the message that they can’t be trusted. Showing faith doesn’t mean leaving your child alone to fail, but instead letting them know that they are capable and that you are there if they need you. 

8 Ways to Practice Mindfulness with Children

Often, when we think about mindfulness, we think about meditation or a formal, structured exercise that helps us tune into our thoughts or somehow clear our minds entirely. Perhaps you have heard that mindfulness is good for children, that you can even practice it with your preschooler. Maybe you have tried this and it worked, or maybe you tried and your child squirmed, wiggled, and complained that it was boring. For some children, particularly those who are young, have experienced trauma, or appear to be bursting with energy, sitting still for more than a few seconds may seem impossible. Today, I want to share some ideas for sneaking simple, fun mindfulness activities into everyday life and everyday play. While mindfulness can be a discipline, a way of moving through the world, it shouldn’t cause added stress or power struggles. 

So what is mindfulness?

According to Sylvia Boorstein, “Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn’t more complicated than that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it.” It can be practiced at any time, in any place, during any activity, without changing a thing except the way that you relate to the present moment. 

Why practice mindfulness?

You might wonder, why even bother? I often have parents tell me that their children don’t seem to know how to calm themselves down, or they’ll explode, seemingly out of nowhere. When the parent asks what happened, the child may shrug, or say that they were mad. While they may have been angry, there were likely other thoughts or feelings that led them to express anger. If children (and adults) can tune into themselves in the present moment and notice their emotional and physical states, without judgement, they may begin to notice when difficult feelings are just starting to bubble up. How much easier is it to calm ourselves down when we’re just a little bit upset than when we’re hysterical? Mindfulness can help us connect the sensations in our bodies with our thoughts and feelings, thereby increasing our understanding of ourselves and our reactions. Further, research is showing that mindfulness can help children and teens who struggle with symptoms of ADHD and Anxiety. It gives them an experience of stillness and calmness. It helps them focus on the present moment without worrying about the future or lamenting the past. 

““The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.””

— Jon Kabat-Zinn

While mindfulness is less about the specific activity, and more about our relationship with the present moment, the activities below can help facilitate the practice of mindful awareness. Ideally, these are practiced when your child is calm, and then can be used to help them return to calm when they begin to feel anxious, angry, or frustrated. 

Ways to Practice with your Child

Mindful Listening

Tell your child that you are going to play a game. They can close their eyes if they’re comfortable doing so, or just soften their gaze. Tell them that you’re both going to listen carefully and see how many sounds you can hear. Pick an amount of time that you think is doable for your child, up to about a minute, and set a timer. When the timer goes off, compare notes on the different sounds you heard. This exercise could be completed on a nature walk or while sitting at your kitchen table.

Nature walk

Take a walk in nature and ask them to notice what they hear, see, feel, and smell. You can also have them find an object in nature and then explore it together with different senses.

Bag of objects

Fill a bag with objects of different shapes, sizes, and textures. Have your child reach in without looking and describe what they feel. Have them guess what’s in there. 

Bubbles

Blow bubbles together and notice the colors, sizes, and how/where the bubbles float. Blowing bubbles is a great way to practice breath awareness too--have your child take deep breaths, filling up their belly like a balloon, then breathe out slowly. They can even see how big or small the bubbles get depending on how quickly or slowly they breathe out.

Strike a pose

Do a yoga pose together, such as tree pose. Have them imagine that one of their feet is rooted to the ground, and slowly lift the other until it is resting on their calf. See if they can raise their arms up to “grow” branches. Can they sway in the wind? You can ask them what sensations they notice in their body. If you or your child loses balance (which will probably happen), laugh together!

Rocking a stuffed animal

Have your child lie down on the floor with their favorite stuffed animal or doll resting on their belly. Tell them that you are going to rock their animal to sleep. Take slow, deep breaths together and notice how the animal moves up and down with their breath.

Chime or singing bowl

Tell your child that they are going to practice listening. Tell them that you will ring the chime or singing bowl and that you’ll both listen closely and see how long you can hear the sound. When they can’t hear it anymore they can raise their hand. 

Engine checks

One way to help children tune into the physical states is to have them think of their body like a car engine. Ask, what happens if a car is going too fast? They might say it crashes or runs off the road. What about if it goes too slow? It might cause a traffic jam, or stop all together. What if it is going just the right speed? How would that feel? Tell them that our bodies are kind of like car engines. Sometimes they feel like they’re going too fast, sometimes too slow, and sometimes just right. What is it like when they are going "too fast"? (Maybe they have lots of energy, can’t stay still, get in trouble at school). What about "too slow"? (maybe they are tired, lack energy, it’s hard for them to do things). What does "just right" feel like? (calm, focused, in control, etc.) Check in with your child occasionally by asking how their engine is running. Once they get used to this language, you can ask them when you start to notice that they might be starting to run “too fast” or “too slow.” When children are more aware of their physical and emotional states, they are more likely to use calming strategies like mindful breathing.