Grief, Family, and the Holidays
Glittery cards, jolly commercials, and social media snapshots have us believing that the holidays are always magical, always happy, and never lonely. For most of us though, the holidays are a mix of joy and sadness, belonging and strained relationships (among many other things). When you are grieving, the holiday season can heighten your sense of loss. It can bring painful reminders as well as opportunities to reminisce, strengthen relationships, revive old traditions or create new ones. Here are some things to consider if your family is missing someone this year.
Glittery cards, jolly commercials, and social media snapshots have us believing that the holidays are always magical, always happy, and never lonely. For most of us though, the holidays are a mix of joy and sadness, belonging and strained relationships (among many other things). When you are grieving, the holiday season can heighten your sense of loss. It can bring painful reminders as well as opportunities to reminisce, strengthen relationships, revive old traditions or create new ones. Here are some things to consider if your family is missing someone this year.
Everyone is Different
Just as everyone in your family has their own personality and ways of dealing with stress, you might grieve differently. Grief often comes in waves, and may seem delayed for some people, especially children. It’s not something we get over or move on from, but we do move forward. We incorporate the loss into our life story, and may make meaning of that loss in different ways. We may feel the grief less often or less intensely, but it doesn’t go away completely. Children may grieve differently too, depending on where they are developmentally. They may also experience various aspects of the loss, or grieve again, as they reach new developmental stages.
Navigating Traditions and Rituals
One thing the holiday season invites is tradition. When someone who was part of a yearly ritual or tradition dies, that inevitably changes our experience of it. Just as individuals and families grieve in different ways, family members may have varying ideas about what to do with those traditions. Questions about changing or skipping traditions may arise. While family members may disagree about how to move forward, it is important to let everyone express their feelings, thoughts, concerns, and hopes. Discuss which activities the family wants to keep, which to skip, and what could be added. Is there a way the family can honor the person who has died, knowing that things won’t ever be the same as they were? When possible, give children choices about whether or not to participate.
Taking care of yourself
Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to be time consuming or expensive. Take 5 minutes to yourself to breathe, have a cup of tea, or simply be alone. Get coffee with a friend who gets you. Be gentle with yourself—the holidays are full of reminders, both of what you have and who you have lost—give yourself permission to grieve, to cry, to laugh, to enjoy those around you. Whatever you are feeling is okay! It’s also okay to set the boundaries you need, whether that’s by doing less, choosing who to spend your time with, or skipping an event altogether. Listen to your body—try to get the rest you need, stay hydrated, and move if you can.
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
Resources
If you are struggling and would like additional support, the following organizations in Austin, Texas offer groups and other grief and loss resources.
What Being a Mom Taught me About Self-Care
I think I was in grad school when I first heard the term “self-care.” I remember professors stressing how important it was and then assigning 200 pages of reading and a paper. I would roll my eyes (internally, I think) and then power through the assignments and ignore the self-care. I saw it as a luxury, something that people who weren’t worried about working or going to school did. Now and then I’d paint, journal, or go for walks, but usually only when I didn’t have much going on and it happened naturally. When I was busy, I laughed it off and said I’d do that when I had free time. I could power through the busy times and then relax during the breaks. This worked more or less when I was childless, but when I became a mom I realized that naturally-occurring self-care time was never going to happen, and there was only so long that I could power through before my stress began to show.
It’s not a luxury!
When you have a tiny human depending on you for comfort and soothing, you start to realize how important your own stress level is. As my son became a toddler, this became even more clear—when I felt calm and regulated I could respond to normal (and challenging) toddler behavior with kindness, firmness, and patience, whereas when I was feeling higher levels of stress I was more likely to snap at my son or give into whatever he wanted. Neither of these were effective strategies and left me feeling guilty and ineffective.
I realized that there was no way for me to be the mom I wanted to be without prioritizing my own self-care. I still have days, weeks, and months where I forget to prioritize my self-care. Sometimes the thought of adding it to my agenda feels overwhelming. However, I now know that I have to come back to it, because if I don’t then my whole family will suffer.
You don’t need lots of time or money
Self-care doesn’t have to be time-consuming or expensive, and it can be helpful to have a few options for the different amounts of time available. For example, if you have 30 seconds you can take 3 deep breaths to calm your nervous system or light a candle with a soothing smell. If you have 1 minute, get a drink of water or step outside. If you have 5 minutes, make a cup of tea, play a quick game on your phone, or do a few yoga stretches. In 10 minutes, you could take a walk around the block, have a snack, or check in with a friend. Of course, having longer stretches of time gives you more options, but as a parent you know that’s not always realistic.
Self-compassion is key
I also learned that self-compassion is an important part of self-care. There will be times when you are the parent you want to be, and that’s OK. Just like our kids have tough days, so do we.
“Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance. ”
We won’t always act our best, but if we can treat ourselves with kindness we can let go of some of the guilt, stop beating ourselves up, and instead focus our energy on showing up for our families. And, whenever you do mess up, there’s always the opportunity to repair and maybe even strengthen your relationship with your child. When you take responsibility for your mistakes and make a plan for doing better next time, you are teaching your child that yes, you make mistakes, but you care enough about your relationship to own up to it and try harder next time.
Living through a pandemic is hard, and parents have so many demands on their time and energy! It may feel impossible to do it all and still take care of yourself, but I assure you that you deserve that care, now more than ever!
Quality Time During Quarantine
What is quality time?
According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is: “time spent giving all of one's attention to someone who is close”
You may be thinking “um…but aren’t I spending all my time with people who are close right now?” Yes, but I want to encourage you to think about what that time looks like and how quality time might be different. As I write this, I’m wondering if spending quality time with the people we are in contact with may be even more important right now.
With many of us working from home, there is sometimes little distinction between work time and play time. Anyone else answering work emails while playing with their kid? In my experience, these moments are sometimes necessary but are often frustrating for everyone involved. Or maybe you aren’t writing emails, but your mind is thinking about what you’ll say in your 2:00 meeting. Again, you may need to be with your child and plan for your meeting at the same time, I get that (I really do!) However, it’s important that there are times when your child, your partner, and, even yourself get your undivided attention. While my toddler lets me know in no uncertain terms when I’m not paying enough attention to him, an older child or partner may be more subtle. Here are a few things to look out for and ideas for connecting.
With your Kids
Signs you child could benefit from some quality time with you:
They appear easily frustrated when you need to complete a task
They seem to need your help with everything, including tasks you know they can do themselves
They repeatedly do things that require you to stop what you are doing and attend to them, even if it’s to tell them to stop
You are feeling annoyed, irritated, worried or guilty
Tips for quality time with kids
Turn off your phone and play with your kids…it doesn’t matter if they’re 2 and want to build towers and knock them down or 15 and want to play video games or do a craft project.
Let your child choose an activity they want to share with you or brainstorm a list of activities together and take turns picking something off the list.
Be curious—ask open-ended questions like “what do you like most about this song?” “How do you feel about that?” “What are you most looking forward to?”
For young children, plan for at least 10 minutes a day. For older children, try a minimum of 30 minutes once a week of focused “special time.” Teens may appreciate less frequent but longer stretches of time.
Check out this post for some fun activities to do with kids during quarantine.
With your Partner
Signs your relationship could use some attention:
You’re bickering often over small stuff
You or your partner feels disconnected
You’re having frequent miscommunications
It’s been a while since you had a date night or spent one-on-one time together without distractions
Tips for quality time with your partner
If possible, find a time when you won’t be interrupted by kids or work (and turn your phone off!)
Schedule a date night. You may not be able to go to your favorite restaurant, but you can order take-out and watch a movie, go for a walk, play a game, or have a picnic in your backyard.
Set aside 10 minutes before bed each night to check in about your day or cuddle.
Accomplish something together. This could be a house project, a puzzle, a new fitness routine, or whatever suites your interests.
Download one of these apps or read this blog post to learn more about each other and get ideas for strengthening your relationship.
With your Self
Signs you could use some attention:
You’re easily frustrated or feel irritable and on edge
You notice you’re holding tension in your body
You feel drained (physically, emotionally, mentally)
You feel anxious, worried, sad
Tips for quality time with yourself:
Find a space that feels good to you. If you don’t have one, try to create a cozy, calming atmosphere by lighting a candle, wrapping up in a blanket, or designating a corner of your room as your calming area. You can add cushions, a comfy chair, favorite pictures or an essential oil diffuser.
If you live with other people, tell them you need some to yourself and to not disturb you unless it’s an emergency (of course, if you’re alone with young children you may need to time this for their nap time or after they’re in bed).
Take a walk and just notice how your body feels, the thoughts you’re having, feelings that come up. Try to notice these things without judgement. Check out this post for some mindfulness tips and tricks.
Journal, paint, or do something else creative.
Read a book, listen to music, or watch a show that makes you feel good.
Avoid doing chores, answering emails, or working during this time!
It doesn’t so much matter what you do, but that you set aside time to be truly present, whether it’s with yourself, your children, your partner, or anyone else. Just enjoying each other can help deepen your connection and bring a greater sense of peace and belonging during this unpredictable time.
““Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.””