It’s been a year....
A year ago we were hearing about COVID, wondering what it was and what it meant for us. Even as we moved into shut-down, I know I continued to think that someone would figure this out and life would go on as normal. Then, the shutdown came... “for two weeks to flatten the curve…” As we all know now, that was just the beginning. The beginning of a year of collective trauma, a year of isolation, a year of uncertainty, and for many a year of heartbreak and loss. I have been thinking a lot about loss and grief and the many forms it has taken these last 12 months.
The losses experienced have been different for everyone, but I would argue that everyone has experienced some form of loss. Examples include loss of events and milestones, loss of stability (including financial), loss of purpose, loss of businesses, careers, or school, loss of connections, loss of autonomy. Some of these losses are temporary--we will eventually be able to socialize with people we haven’t been able to see in person or do the activities we used to enjoy but now feel unsafe. Some losses, however, are permanent. A teen who completed their senior year online probably won’t be re-doing that year to have the experience of being in-person. Someone who lost their business may not have the means to re-launch it. And of course, too many people have lost loved ones to this virus.
No matter what the loss, the grief is real, and as we near the anniversary of the first shut-downs here in Austin, that grief may intensify for some. With grief, it can be helpful to remember the following:
Grief comes in waves. It’s not a fixed or linear process of diminishing, but instead can feel lighter at times and then crushing again.
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve--everyone’s experience is different and whatever you are feeling is okay!
It doesn’t help to compare losses. What you feel is what you feel regardless of whether your loss seems “bigger” or “smaller” than someone else’s. Your experience is unique to you.
Stay connected. While your experience is unique, it can help to know that you aren’t alone and that others may have similar experiences.
You may feel tired, achy, have difficulty concentrating or remembering things (although you should see a doctor if you think you may have a physical ailment).
Practice self-compassion: Think about what you would say to a friend who was struggling with similar feelings, and treat yourself in the same way.
Here are some self-care ideas. It can take some time to find what works for you, so I encourage you not to give up if the first few things you try aren’t helping.
While I don’t know what the long-term impacts of the last year will be, I know that it will take time to process our experiences and feelings. Whatever the losses you or your loved ones have experienced, I think that acknowledging them is a good place to start. It’s been a tough year. It really has. And, us humans are resilient. We will find ways to move forward and even thrive.
Grief, Family, and the Holidays
Glittery cards, jolly commercials, and social media snapshots have us believing that the holidays are always magical, always happy, and never lonely. For most of us though, the holidays are a mix of joy and sadness, belonging and strained relationships (among many other things). When you are grieving, the holiday season can heighten your sense of loss. It can bring painful reminders as well as opportunities to reminisce, strengthen relationships, revive old traditions or create new ones. Here are some things to consider if your family is missing someone this year.
Glittery cards, jolly commercials, and social media snapshots have us believing that the holidays are always magical, always happy, and never lonely. For most of us though, the holidays are a mix of joy and sadness, belonging and strained relationships (among many other things). When you are grieving, the holiday season can heighten your sense of loss. It can bring painful reminders as well as opportunities to reminisce, strengthen relationships, revive old traditions or create new ones. Here are some things to consider if your family is missing someone this year.
Everyone is Different
Just as everyone in your family has their own personality and ways of dealing with stress, you might grieve differently. Grief often comes in waves, and may seem delayed for some people, especially children. It’s not something we get over or move on from, but we do move forward. We incorporate the loss into our life story, and may make meaning of that loss in different ways. We may feel the grief less often or less intensely, but it doesn’t go away completely. Children may grieve differently too, depending on where they are developmentally. They may also experience various aspects of the loss, or grieve again, as they reach new developmental stages.
Navigating Traditions and Rituals
One thing the holiday season invites is tradition. When someone who was part of a yearly ritual or tradition dies, that inevitably changes our experience of it. Just as individuals and families grieve in different ways, family members may have varying ideas about what to do with those traditions. Questions about changing or skipping traditions may arise. While family members may disagree about how to move forward, it is important to let everyone express their feelings, thoughts, concerns, and hopes. Discuss which activities the family wants to keep, which to skip, and what could be added. Is there a way the family can honor the person who has died, knowing that things won’t ever be the same as they were? When possible, give children choices about whether or not to participate.
Taking care of yourself
Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to be time consuming or expensive. Take 5 minutes to yourself to breathe, have a cup of tea, or simply be alone. Get coffee with a friend who gets you. Be gentle with yourself—the holidays are full of reminders, both of what you have and who you have lost—give yourself permission to grieve, to cry, to laugh, to enjoy those around you. Whatever you are feeling is okay! It’s also okay to set the boundaries you need, whether that’s by doing less, choosing who to spend your time with, or skipping an event altogether. Listen to your body—try to get the rest you need, stay hydrated, and move if you can.
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
Resources
If you are struggling and would like additional support, the following organizations in Austin, Texas offer groups and other grief and loss resources.